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Day 23…..Saturday.

Today I decided to bite the bullet and suggest that your father and I go shopping for things for you. We need to have a look for pushchairs and car seats as it will not be long before we will need these things, and it is possible we will have to order them which will take some time. Your Nana and Papa have said they would like to buy these things for you. They really want to help out as much as possible. I am very touched by their kindness and although I know he appreciates the gesture your father is very matter of fact about it all.

Our conversation last night was intense at times, He has explained again that he really does not feel he is coping with the prospect of being a father, and he again discusses options. I again tell him that even if I was able to have a termination, I would not even consider it. You are a dream come true for me and I will not discuss it anymore. To my astonishment your father suggested that there are many other people in this world who would love to have this baby and would be happy to bring it up, in other words he now thinks adoption would be the answer he to his problem! Again I am sharp and firm with him, I simply said ‘Yes, and I am one of these people.’

I understand he has concerns and I know having a baby was not part of his big plan for life. It was not for me either, but then that was because nature had not blessed me with being able to make that choice, well, so I had been told. I feel hurt, I feel he is not giving a second thought to how I feel about what he is suggesting. In fact feel he is not giving a second thought to me in so many ways. There are times when I feel I am treading on eggshells, trying not to rock the boat, not to upset him or to make him feel any worse, which in turn makes it so much harder to talk about you with him sometimes. I question myself, why am I still with this man? Why am I trying so hard to make this work? and Why if he feel so strongly about being a father, why is he still here? After all there are many men in this situation who walk away.

And yet he says he wants to make it work, he will try to be positive, and mostly he wants to be with me. I guess this was why I thought going shopping today would be a good idea, and when I suggested it to your father he seemed to think so too. I want to involve him in decisions like which pram to get, and which bottles would be best for you and so many other things we will need to think about. I want him to be part of all this, but I can’t make him. I will not force him to do something he does not want to do, and so I will give him opportunities to be as involved as he wants to be.

We headed out to one of the biggest children’s stores around. A huge store, which has all you could want for a baby and so much more. We looked at all they have to offer in the way of travel systems and discuss at length to pros and cons of each design and model. There is so much to choose from, it is quite confusing, but your father was with me and I am glad he was. He asked a thousand questions of the sales assistant, things I would never have thought of and inspected each design in detail, offering a very honest opinion about them all.

I know there are makes which are better than others and brand names which have stood the test of time, and feel I would have more confidence in them, than ones I do not know. Your father agrees. I stand back and watch your father as he whittled down the travel systems to one he likes and thinks would be the best value and most suited to what we needed, and it was a lovely thing to watch. And best of all he chose the one I really loved.

We said we would think about it as we had other stores to visit, but we were grateful for the assistance help.

On the way home we nipped in to the supermarket and do a little shopping. I notice your father disappear into the children department and find him checking out the travel systems. He turned to walk away saying there was nothing worth looking at as the quality was not the same as what we had already seen. Once home, we chilled out. The football is on and I am reading a book all about your development and all the things that are happening to you. Once again your father is quiet and withdrawn. I thanked him for his help today, that I would never have asked all the questions he did and I was so glad he had come with me. I asked him how he felt about shopping for his sons travel system, and said he looked as though he had quite enjoyed it. He responded saying it had been Ok, and that it was no big thing. I showed some surprise and was then told that it had been like going shopping with a friend who just happened to be pregnant, it felt as though it really had nothing to do with him at all, but it had been interesting.

I truly do not know how to feel or what to do, this is so so hard.

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