My Mum and Dad come home today and I know I will have to speak to them on the phone at some point, I feel nervous and plan in my head how I am going to be and what I will say. I will break the news to them tomorrow, and I wonder how they will react.
At 7am I made a cup of tea for your father and brought it up stairs for him, along with a big glass of water for me, I am not allowed eat until after my blood tests at the hospital, but to be honest I was not hungry. Although I had slept reasonably well, I was still feeling washed out, but determined to get through the day and enjoy our evening with friends.
Your father is quiet and thoughtful again. We went to the hospital and for once had no problem parking. We grumble about the cost of parking and the numerous laps of the car park we would normally do to find a space. But not today, today was hassle free and I am thankful for it, as this would not have gone down well.
At the antenatal clinic I spoke to reception and booked in. We took a seat and waited. Within five minutes the nurse came and called my name. She checked my details and asked me to roll up my sleeve. I have a very big bruise on my arm from Sundays blood test because the midwife had problems getting any blood out of me, saying I had not been eating or drinking enough. This nurse had no problem at all and had the job done in a moment. We laughed about your father saying he had never had a blood test and how he must be a very healthy pup. The midwife had found this odd when he had said this on Sunday, and had offered to take some blood from him just to make sure it was the right colour and just so we could confirm he has some. He had not been amused by this idea at all.
The nurse gave me a plastic cup filled with a clear colourless liquid. It had the consistency of syrup or runny honey. I asked if it tasted nice. She just smiled and said ‘No’. Great, so down in one it went and I instantly thought I would be sick. The nurse laughed and said ‘See, I told you so’ as I turned green. I was told I could go for a walk as long as I stayed at the hospital and I was not to eat anything at all. I would see the nurse again in two hours.
We took a slow walk to the front of the hospital were there are some shops and a restaurant which, I could tell from a hundred yards away was serving cook breakfasts, and strong coffee. Your father jokes about a sausage barm for him and a glass of water for me. I still felt sick, so would not have wanted one anyway, but how rude of him!! Instead I bought a paper, a bottle of water and a puzzle book to while away the remainder of the long wait. Hospitals are boring at the best of times and this visit was not exception. We wandered back to the clinic and in glancing at the clock, I realised we had been away for less than ten minutes and so the clock watching began.
I watched the pregnant women coming and going, and wondered, as each one passed, how far along the are compared to me, comparing the size of their bumps to mine and wondered if they had all gone through the same emotions, doubts, and reactions as I was going through.Your father went for a walk, put his coat in the car, sent a text message to his boss and frowned at a little girl playing quietly in the corner. He is restless and I know he is thinking about becoming a father and all that would mean. Again he expresses his dislike of children and lack of understanding of their needs, and in an instant he is in a different world, one which I can not and will not enter. I have to be positive for myself and for you. The minutes slowly ebb by and finally I am called by the nurse to have more blood taken. The results are fine, no diabetes.
By the time we leave the hospital it is pouring with rain and your fathers mood drops even further, he hates bad weather. At home I throw some things in a bag, fed the cats and then left to go to your father’s house. We stopped for fish and chips on the way, ignoring all the advice from the midwife about eating and drinking properly and regularly. By the time we sat down to eat it was gone 1pm and I was feeling very hungry.
A text message from Mum and Dad says they have landed in London and will soon flying North, they will call when they get home. I wonder if they know something has happened, that something has changed and the world they left two weeks ago now has another person in it.
The TV is on but I can’t concentrate on it. I look through a catalogue at baby things, but was surprised how little they had to offer. To be honest, I doubt I even know what I am looking for yet and it is too soon to talk to your father about buggies.
Your father sent a message to our friends asking what the plan is for the Beer Festival. He tells me he does not want to go. I insist we should go as it will do us good to be with other people for a while and relax. He took a lot of convincing.
Mum and Dad called, they had arrived home safe and sound, minus luggage. We arrange to see them tomorrow afternoon and have dinner with them. I can tell they are excited to tell us all about their adventures. I try so so hard not to cry down the phone and blurt out all I have to say.
Still full of fish and chips, we headed to the Beer Festival. The local hall was full with hundreds of people and lots and lots of beer to try and food to enjoy. I was handed a bottle of water!
Our friends are lovely. They had a spare ticket for me, but I felt the seven pounds and a free beer glass is a little wasted as I can’t try any of the yummy beer. The ginger beer and dandelion and burdock was very nice indeed, but the chocolate beer our friends where trying smelt much nicer. An arm came around my shoulder and a whisper in my ear said ‘Is it ok if I say Congratulations’. I could hardly contain my tears. So full of support and encouragement for us. Understanding of how shocked we must be, but that it will all be ok. Your father would be ok, and what a wonderful father he will be. We will make a great family. Later, other friends arrived and the question as to why I was not drinking at the Beer Festival came up, the story broke again. So much excitement and joy, but there is a nagging feeling of doubt inside me which I cant shake off. Several times I felt very hot and light-headed, for fear of passing out I went outside for some fresh air, alone.
Feeling alone in a crowded place is so much worse than feeling alone when no one is around. Waves of emotion ebb and flow, and controlling them is becoming harder to bare. I know tomorrow I will feel so much better, because I will tell my very best friends in all this world. In this moment I know what they will say and do. I take a deep breath hold my head high and rejoin the throng.
By 10 pm I was ready to leave, the light headedness was not going away, I am exhausted and your father was begining to sway. We walked home and fell into bed with tea and ham sandwishes. It had been a good evening, and what had started as a stressful day had turned into a lot of fun, I was glad we went. As the light went out your father told me how much he loved me, and we slept soundly until morning.