We did not sleep, well very little. There is just too much going on in our heads.
Your father paced the floor, tossed and turned all night, kept asking questions and tried to vocalise how he felt. He did not want this, he did not want you, but he did not want us to be apart, he loved me.
I decided a walk and some fresh air would do us good, so we went into the village for a while, did some shopping and had a coffee. The walk home was in an uncomfortable silence, which was broken by your father saying he wanted to go home to his house and speak with his brother. We gathered some things together for me and headed the 15 miles to what I should have considered my second home, but looking back now, I know I had never really felt at home there.
I kept myself busy making a cottage pie. I have no idea why as neither of us felt like eating, but it ment that your father and your Uncle could talk together. Your Uncle was shocked too, but very very supportive and positive. He understood your fathers concerns about becoming a father, but at the same time tried to make him understand that this was a wonderful thing that was happening to him, and he would feel so very different when you arrived. I am not so sure. Your father is so very negative, so low he can’t and wont see past his self-doubt. I understood life would be completely different once you arrived, and sacrifices would have to be made, but for him, well he believes life will be over, and he will never be able to do the things he wants to do, although to be honest I am not sure he even understands what he means by this.
We talked with Your Uncle about you, the future, and about all the things that where good about having you in our lives. Your Uncle told your father he would have to be positive, but he would not listen,and he keeps saying things like, this is not what I want. I feel torn up inside. Here is the man I love telling me he loves me, but that the greatest thing to have ever happened in my life, he does not want. Again he talks about options, as though a termination would make all his worries and problems go away. I am devastated and on the verge of leaving him.
Again the rest of the day was a blur. Your father wore out the carpet pacing again, he is restless and is making me feel uneasy. He tried to watch football and listened to the radio, but he couldn’t settle. As for me…… well, I was taken up with understanding that the feelings and sensation I had been having for the last few days where in fact you moving inside me, I can feel you so much more now I know your there. Your movements surprised me several times, it just felt so strange. Your father thought I was in pain, this was the only concern he showed for me.
Saturday night was very restless to say the least, but I managed to sleep for a few hours. Your father on the other hand did not sleep, and by morning looked so tired, I was worried about him. I am too selfish, he kept saying. And now I realise just how debilitating anxiety and depression can be, and wonder if your father will be able to cope with all the future has in store for us and if I have it in me to support him. I was frightened.
Day 3……Sunday 26th
We stayed in bed all morning watching tv, and drank tea. I was restless from two practically sleepless nights.
A phone call to my local hospital gave us an appointment with the midwives. I needed to be on boarded with them, and get everything sorted out for antenatal appointments and to see a consultant. Finding out you are pregnant very late creates a very busy world with a lot to catch up on.
2pm Antenatal clinic, I can’t remember the name of the midwife but she was very very young and did not seem to know where anything was. I was glad to have your father with me but I get the feeling he is uneasy, and nervous. We had a lot of question to answer, as well as height, weight, blood and urine tests for me, and a really good telling off for not eating ‘Daddy, you need to look after these two now’. I asked the midwife if she could tell me how far she thought I was into my pregnancy, so off to another room we went.
She poked, prodded and measured just as they had done on Friday, ’27 centimeters makes you 27 weeks give or take a couple of weeks either way. Ok, let’s have a listen too’. Your father has his head in his hands.
And there is was a again, your heartbeat.
‘A happy heartbeat, strong and healthy. Hello little person’ The midwife’s smile made my heart skip. Someone elses in that room was happy to hear your happy heart beating, not just me.
Your father dropped me at my front door, and he was gone. I am alone again. No, we are alone again. And now the tears start to flow, they flowed for hours.