‘Everyday is an adventure’, I tell myself this every morning as I drag my weary body out of bed. And it is, with William in my life I see every moment to be captured and enjoyed. Live every second like it is the last, and make every second last a lifetime.
There are moments in life when you wish you had stood back, stopped just for a moment to simply taken it all in. Life passes so quickly these days, time fades the happiest of moments into memories before we realise they have been and gone.
On the day I found out William was in my world I started writing a diary. Capturing the moments of joy, heartache and pain and the events that ultimately lead to the world we live in today. I will take this a day at a time, and please feel free to comment.
This is the story that time will not fade.
Day 1. This is the day, the 24 of January, when you came into my life. This was the day everything changed. The day that changed the way I see the world and how I want our lives to be from this moment on.
It was 11 am and I was sat waiting to see a doctor I have never seen before. A stranger, someone I had never spoken to before. I explained the problem. I have an ache in my stomach, I feel bloated, and uncomfortable, and I think it has something to do with the really bad chest infection and cold I have had for the past few weeks, and although I have had bucket loads of antibiotics and my chest is feeling better, I wonder if this has set up a reaction almost like IBS.
This was a young lady doctor, she seemed to understand why I was concerned and thought it was possible as antibiotics could cause that sort of reaction. She listened to my chest, heart, took my blood pressure and temperature ‘All good, your chest is much clearer now, nothing to worry about. Lets have a look at your tummy.’
So, up on the examination bed I got, brown leather boots off, a little embarrassed at my silly odd socks, I don’t think she cared. I undid my tighter fitting jeans and joked about too much Christmas Pudding and Champagne in the previous four weeks or so. She just smiled and concentrated on my now protruding, round, bloated stomach.
A very very long pause, a frown, and then it came. ‘Well, there is definitely something going on in there all right. I think……That is quite a big baby!……Did you know you where pregnant?’ she smiles tentatively. ‘No!, Oh my god’ I replied with what must have been a look of utter shock, dismay and confusion ‘Um! How big?’ I asked.
At this point the young doctor became my very best friend in the whole world, and this lasted for the remaining 15 minute I was in the surgery. She calmly explained the other medical possibilities and given my history of PCOS, some of these where scary to say the least. She wanted a second opinion from someone who knew so much more than she did. She left the room and was back in the blink of an eye with a small gadget in her hand. ‘Lets have a listen shall we?’
And there you were………The unmistakeable sound of a heartbeat, beating much faster than my own. ‘That is not you my love’ said the lovely calm doctor.
Next it was the turn of the two midwives who had appeared from nowhere, to poke, prod, listen to and measure you. There was lots of chatter about what to do next. It was a good question what do I do next?……..26 to 28 weeks rang in my head………How can this be possible? I am having a baby!
I left the surgery in a daze, with the corner of a torn piece of paper clutched in my hand. I fumbled in search of car keys, and found a memory of your father……How was I going to tell your father? The drive home must not have taken long, but I remember nothing of it. The greeting from the cats was the same as on any other day, requests to be fed, cuddled and played with, ‘Tea, I’ll make tea.’
The house is very quiet, the cats have disappeared and the loudest sound is the clock on the wall. Half way down my tea and I still have my coat and boots on, the clock says almost 1:30pm, I have no idea how long I have been sat staring at the wall. Taking my boots and coat off, I found the crumpled piece of paper. It has names and telephone numbers on it, none of which I remember, know or have a clue why I have them. It says things like, Any Midwife, Ultrasound, scan, 11:30am Tuesday. ‘Ok, this looks familiar, I pick up my diary and look at the dates. The phone is in my hand and it is dialling.
‘Hello Sicknote!, Can I call you back in five minutes?’ Now the line is dead and I am sat on the edge of the bed looking into the mirror. They where right at the surgery, I can’t see you from the outside, no one would have known you where there.
The tears started the moment I said hello and tried to answer the questions posed. ‘So, Sicknote, How are you doing? When will we have the pleasure of you company back at work?’
The rest of the afternoon was a blur, I must have tided up before my boss arrived to see me. We talked, mostly about you, about how for 25+ I had always been told I would need help to have children, how i had resigned myself to the love and pleasure I gain from other people’s children, about your father, how I was worried as to how he would react to this news, what would happen at work. ‘Your not to worry about work’ and ‘It will all be ok, You know it will.’
Once again I was alone, with only my thoughts and the sensations in my tummy which I now know to be you.I did a few jobs, had another cup of tea and stared at the wall for I don’t know how long. My phone beeped with a message from your father saying he wanted to come over tonight. You see, he lives in another town and generally we only see each other at weekends. Conversations about living together have been had, but no firm plans had been made yet. So, this was my opportunity, my time to tell him he was going to be a Daddy.
And I did, in the end. After several cups of tea, and stories of how his day and week had gone. Like me he was stunned and shocked, he didn’t know what to say, but had lots of questions.
Many questions I could not answer, simply because there was no answer to be had at the time or I was unable to explain because I didn’t understand myself. He asked about options, I told him there where no options.We talked a lot about what to do, how he felt, how other people would feel and how he would cope. We talked about the last s and a half months. Sometimes we laughed sometimes we cried, and sometimes there was nothing but silence, nothing to be said. I was once again alone in a world turned upside down, with thoughts and feelings that frightened me, that I could not express. And next to me was the man I loved, falling apart because, this is not what he wants.
On this day I entered the world of mother hood, and the world of someone elses deep, dark depression. All I wanted to do was talk to my parents, but I couldn’t, not while they where thousands of miles away having fun. At 39 years old I could not remember feeling as alone as I did that night.